Turn on Your Life Light!

Every week on Celebrity Apprentice Donald Trump gives his contestants a challenge.  The challenges are overseen by business leaders who tell the celebrities how long they will have to complete the task, and what specific components they expect to see included.

Previously divided into teams, the celebrities then determine who that week’s project manager will be.  The two teams compete against each other to best complete the challenge and win money for that week’s project manager’s charity.

After the winner is announced, Mr. Trump then fires a member of the losing team.

He fires them because they didn’t deliver what was clearly expressed before the challenge began.

I fired someone last week.

When we first spoke on the phone I loved her vibe and thought she really got me, and I liked how that felt.  So naturally, I hired her as I dismissed the voice in my head that told me to set a clear boundary.

I told myself she was feeling the same vibe, so I didn’t want to have the uncomfortable conversation about what I expected in exchange for paying her hundreds of dollars. I certainly didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable by stating my expectations, and what if she’d said my expectations were unacceptable?

No, best to avoid that whole awkward exchange.

Besides, surely she wouldn’t screw me over.  We were both feelin’ that vibe, you know?

I would bet you all of Donald Trump’s money that he has never done the same.  He would never enter into an arrangement without making his expectations very clear.

Ten days and a 50% fee paid into our arrangement I received one rough pass at the work, and one email assuring me she’d rework said pass.

And then, crickets.

As the weeks went by and my cheery, “how’s it coming along?” emails went unanswered I made this excuse for her me:

This is her process, she’s a creative type, there’s nothing I can do.

And I could feel resentment growing.

Every time I saw her facebook status I wanted to scream through my keyboard, “Stop baking cookies with your daughter and finish my project!” or something equally vile and embarrassing to admit.

I was all up in her business which was a really safe, squishy, soft place to be.  I bitched and moaned about being at her mercy and never looked at how I’d created the whole thing and was allowing it to continue.

So after a weekend master mind gathering of kick-ass coaches, on a plane somewhere between California and Connecticut, I called bullshit on myself.

I had indeed created it and was now a willing participant.

[and even though I can see this from a mile away when other people do it, I was totally blind to it in myself]

Remember that excuse I made for her?  Well if I completed the sentence with the words I was trying to deny, it would go something like this:

This is how she works, she’s a creative type, there’s nothing I can do, and even though it doesn’t work for me, I’ll suck it up because it’s uncomfortable to set a firm boundary that honors me and my business and which, by the way, affords her the opportunity to step up and act with integrity.

If I had told her up front what I expected from our working arrangement I might have been uncomfortable for what, 10 seconds?

But the resentment I felt for having avoided that temporary discomfort lasted 6 weeks, kept me up at night, and left me feeling weak, cranky, and doubting myself.

So here’s what The Donald knows that I had yet to learn: 

There is pleasure in discomfort, and there is no pleasure in the resentment that comes from avoiding discomfort.

So I emailed her and told her I no longer required her services, which miraculously activated her ability to hit the reply button and ask me if I could “hang in” one more day.

I may have created this but I wasn’t letting her off the hook.  She played a big crappy part in this as well, and had lost all credibility with me, so I declined.

I asked her for a refund that I doubt I’ll ever see.

It was a pricey lesson for me to learn yet I’m grateful for the lesson.

I will recall it any time I hear that voice telling me to set a boundary and state my expectations.  If I find myself trying to avoid any discomfort I have to ask myself why, in that situation, am I resistant to honoring myself?

Because that’s the real work in all of this, and the bigger lesson I learned.

A woman who values herself strongly will set strong boundaries.  I will continue to peel the onion on that lesson until it is second nature for me.  The better I understand and value myself the easier it is to create boundaries that honor me and others.

How often do you avoid temporary discomfort in favor of chronic resentment?

The first step toward changing that behavior is to quit lying to yourself. 

Tell yourself the truth.

Every time you feel resentment growing, or you feel put-out, or as if you’re being taken advantage of, ask yourself where you failed to set a boundary, and own it.

Because you can’t blame someone else for trampling something that doesn’t exist.

Need some help discovering the thoughts that keep you from creating and enforcing strong, loving boundaries?  I can help.  I’ve been there, done that, and I will keep doing it because I am worth it.

And you are, too.  Just ask Donald Trump.

 

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